When it comes to boundaries, everyone seems to focus on setting them. There is a lot of talk about learning how to set them and why they are important, but we hear less about the importance of how to communicate them! If you spend a lot of time thinking through your boundaries and crafting them, let’s make sure you are communicating them effectively!
Knowing how to communicate when someone’s behavior is affecting you – all while not using blaming language – is so beneficial. Framing the conversation with ‘I feel’ statements helps transition the moment into active communication about your boundaries.
I want to share a healthy, effective communication framework: “When you _____, I feel_____. I want_____.”
This breaks down the moment into three powerful aspects.
1. WHEN YOU. Use this space to be descriptive about the behavior, the more specific you can be, the easier it is to fully address. Try to remove emotions or judgements from it. A statement like ‘when you are angry’ is not specific enough and is your interpretation of their behavior.
Most of us think we know the intentions and motives of others, but do we really? We are not inside of their unique, complex mind and emotion profile! It’s easy to make assumptions like they are conscious of their behavior or they will understand what I am trying to express. They cannot read your mind emotional profile either!
It is critical to stop interpreting and start communicating in a direct and honest manner. That’s why it is important to describe the behavior rather than our interpretation and assumptions about what the behavior means.
Example: "When you look at me with a frown and loudly sigh, I feel shame.” It’s likely the other person has no idea of what their behavior looks like and how it is impacting you. When you describe their behavior, you plant seeds of consciousness to increase their awareness of the sound of their own voice, or of their sighs.
2. I FEEL. This is where you express your emotions in a healthy and honest way. It isn’t about attacking or creating blame for your feelings – it is sharing the cause and effect that you are experiencing. The more descriptive you can be without pointing a finger – the bigger opportunity you have for being heard and understood.
Example: When you are watching television and I have to say your name 3 or 4 times to be heard, I feel angry, hurt, unimportant, and invisible. It feels like I’m not important enough to be talked to.
Using ‘I feel’ to state your feelings out loud, helps affirm that you have a right to them. It takes responsibility for owning yourself and your reality – and that you want to enact changes.
3. I WANT. It is important to balance not being too general, while leaving space for new solutions. Try to move away from saying something like: "I want to know I am important to you,” as it doesn’t give an actionable solution. Instead share the types of behaviors that you are looking for and that you want to see from the other person.
What does that look like? If we continue the previous example: When you are watching television and I have to say your name 3 or 4 times to be heard, I feel angry, hurt, unimportant, and invisible. It feels like I’m not important enough to be talked to. I want us to talk more often. It would be helpful if you would ask me how my day went and really listen to my answer. It would help me feel like I mattered to you.”
The goal is to express yourself with clarity, while giving the other person actionable options to move forward. This is how you can communicate your boundaries!
Effectively conveying our feelings and needs without placing blame allows for healthier relationships and personal growth. Using the "When you ____, I feel ____, I want ____" framework promotes honest and respectful dialogue. The goal is to not only assert your boundaries, but to do so in a manner that encourages positive change within your relationships!
After all, we can’t expect others to respect our boundaries if we don’t adequately express them.
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